If ChinCOVID Were “Gun Violence”

Parody Alert*

The DOJ today released new gun violence guidance, advising universal ballistic vest wearing. But Attorney General Merrick Garland cautioned people not to purchase Level II and III vests, leaving those for law enforcement professionals.

When asked why people should settle for Level I vests that don’t stop most modern pistol rounds, Garland angrily responded, “Follow the science! Level I works, you ignorant red-stater.”

Garland also noted that wearing vests will encourage everyone to voluntarily turn in their firearms and end the gun violence pandemic. He refused to answer questions regarding how being inadequately protected by obsolete Level I vests will encourage honest citizens to give up their remaining protection, aside from screeching, “Science!” over and over.

Dang; I had to do a bit of searching to find a page that even mentions the old Level I anymore. But yeah, it’s like that:

Fauci: New Mask Recommendations Will Incentivize People to Get Vaccinated
On Tuesday’s “PBS NewsHour,” White House Chief Medical Adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci said he believes that new mask recommendations by the CDC will serve as an incentive for people to get vaccinated.

Telling folks to wear a mask even if they’ve been vaccinated doesn’t tell them to get vaccinated. It tells them vaccination doesn’t work.

Sorry, Fauxci; most of us still aren’t as stupid — or dishonest — as you.

* I shouldn’t even have to say that, but in today’s America — where the average IQ score is dropping like a rock on Jupiter — some idiot would believe I was passing this off as real. But this is the America where Babylon Bee gets “fact-checked.”

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2A advocate, writer, firearms policy & law analyst, general observer of pre-apocalyptic American life.

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