Maybe Alcohol Wasn’t The Dominant Factor

In that gator bite video I linked to a bit ago, that is.

I did know a guy who probably could’ve been talked into that if we’d had a gator handy.

M—- was actually a bright guy, but he could be talked into… unwise courses of action. One evening a bunch of us were at some friends house. These folks had cats. Princess Buttercup, a beautiful black cat; Monster a large tabby with the longest claws I’ve seen on a domestic cat; and Camber, who was the most maid back I’d ever met.

We’re sitting there talking. There were snacks, so there was an empty cheese puff can. J—- was particularly good at leading M—- into temptation.

“M—-, why don’t you see how much of Camber you get into that can?”

M—- fought it. But I watched. M—- would glance at the can, then at Camber, who was doing his usual sofa pillow imitation.

Finally M—- grabbed the can and the cat, and proceeded to stuff Camber into the can, tail first. Camber was having none of that shit and proved he was still sharp and pointy of five out of six corners. He got out of the can and wrapped himself around M—-‘s arm, inflicting as much damage as possible.

And there’s M—- waving his cat-encrusted arm in the air, screaming, “Get him off! Get him off!” as he tried to pry Camber loose.

Lest you think that was a one-off incident…

Another time J—- “suggested” that M—- clip a helium balloon attached to a clothespin to Monster’s (he of the giant cyber claws) tail.

Yep. Monster inflicted more damage as he headed out the cat door, balloon and all.

Not enough? I wasn’t present for this one, but M—- admitted it later. And for once alcohol was a factor. Drinking with some buddies, someone dared M—- to pierce his nipple, then and there.

Yep. That was back in my SCA days, and M—- and I both did the sword fighting thing. For a couple weeks, M—- was extremely… sensitive to chest hits.

If only we’d handy a gator when we needed it.


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2A advocate, writer, firearms policy & law analyst, general observer of pre-apocalyptic American life.

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